1. Alive in the "Superunknown:" Finding Your Purpose

In this debut episode, Elaina explores how a family health crisis and blasting Soundgarden’s “Superunknown” and "Fell on Black Days" illuminated the term searchlight soul in a whole new way. She also delves into how Tori Amos’ “Silent All These Years” helped her bust out of the box of people’s definitions of her. What does Holden Caufield, smashing boats, Dante’s Inferno and Delilah, the soul-baring ’90s DJ, have to do with existential sadness – and healing from it? She survived the harrowing of her divorce and discusses her healing journey as a single parent to bring ’90s style encouragement to your “now what?” so you can find your purpose – whatever it may be. 

Thank you for listening, and don’t forget to shine bright!

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About the host: Elaina Satti is a lover of the '90s living in Rhode Island, USA, the smallest state with the biggest heart, and she is in fact a divorced single parent living her best "now what?" exploring the journey of "what's next" – with coffee.

Transcript

This is Elaina with “Your '90s Are Showing.” This is a podcast for all those who love the '90s, who can't get enough of the '90s. In fact, who thinks that the '90s are today. I mean, I just went to a '90s party at my favorite local bar and it felt like it was today. It felt like no time had passed whatsoever. And maybe that's you. Maybe it's been a hot second since the '90s. Maybe you feel like you're living it every day. But no matter what, we've faced some setbacks since the '90s. In our personal lives, professional lives, whatever it might be. But guess what? Maybe they're not setbacks, maybe they're bouncebacks. Maybe we're gonna call it a throwback. And I don't know about you. But I haven't seen some of those things coming. But the '90s provide a sense of comfort. It never changes. We've got the TV shows, the music, the fads, all of it. And we're going to revisit it together. 

Basically, I want to talk about what was your first CD, your first CD, when they switched over from tapes, you know, the glorious tapes, you could never bring them to the beach because you get a little granule of sand in there, and the whole thing would start to unwind. But let me tell you, CDs were a whole new ballgame. A lot of people didn't even have CD players in their car. So we were still doing tapes. But I remember my mom picked a couple up for me when she went out on date night with my dad and let me tell you the first three to four CDs I owned: Temple of the Dog. Okay. Pearl Jam, Ten, Badmotorfinger, Soundgarden, if you can believe it. And the Sundays, the album Blind, okay, have pretty good taste, I have to tell you. And I still remember the moment that we switched from all listening to Michael Jackson, “Black or White.” And there was a new sound that was introduced. It was basically February of 1992. And I went to my friend Leslie sleepover for her birthday. Her birthday was probably a week or two before mine. And you see this video, right? You all remember seeing it: “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” There was nothing like that before. And then Pearl Jam exploded. I remember I heard the song ”Alive” playing from a car radio. And I remember thinking to myself, What is this song? Because this is my music. And dear listener, I have nothing else in my brain except '90s lyrics. Maybe you feel similarly. 

And let me tell you this podcast is for you if you have faced setbacks since the '90s, okay, maybe you're happier beyond your wildest dreams. And if so, I'm happy for you. But let's just admit that our lives are different than we thought they would be in the '90s. Right. My first goal was to create and build a waterslide that would go from my bedroom window. To my pool. I was really lucky. I grew up with a pool that was four feet on one end and nine feet on the other and it was above ground, guys. I love water slides. So this is my life goal to build this waterside from my bedroom window to my pool. My second goal was to be an author. I blinked. I'm midway through my life, and I'm not there yet. I have not accomplished that goal. And I think maybe there are goals that you're still wanting to accomplish too. So we're going to work on them together. But what I want to say also is this podcast is for those of you who might feel unseen, right, especially those of us who are divorced single parent, now what, right I get it, we woke up “in medias res,” I'm talking about in the middle of life, just like Dante's Inferno. Dante describes a pilgrim who woke up in the middle of life and found himself in a lonely place surrounded by wolves. And he goes on a journey with Virgil as his guide through the inferno to paradisio, right, and when he gets to paradise Beatrice's is guide. So I would love for you to let me be your Beatrice, your guide through Dante's Inferno into paradise. I want to be that '90s disc jockey for you. 

You guys remember Delilah, right? Delilah. It was just amazing to just sit back and listen to Delilah because you felt like she understood you. You felt like she saw you. I remember sitting alone in my room, reading my books, you know, “The Woman in White” by Wilkie Collins and any kind of book that you can imagine is what I devoured because out here I am, you know, part '90s librarian. I am part '90s librarian. I am part Aowen from Lord of the Rings and I'm definitely part Alanis Morissette. We're going to delve into that and much more during these podcasts. That's kind of my '90s aesthetic. That's my '90s vibe. But because I am a '90s librarian, whether it was Wrinkle in Time, whether it was Catcher in the Rye, I spent a lot of time in my room, listening to '90s music and what was always there for me was the Brown University radio station. WBRU. You guys remember it? I know you do if you're local, especially at Rhode Islanders, there was nothing like it. Because overnight I discovered that station and my world blew up. You better believe I was recording from the radio on to tapes because I was making mixtapes simultaneously. I was buying CDs. But that's another story because we always love tapes, as well as CDs in the '90s. My friend Steve at the time, well, let's be real. I did have a crush on him. Steve wrote me old school '90s letters. And he was a few years older than me. So when he went to Brown, he sent me one of my most prized possessions. I'm going to tell you, it was a bootleg CD of Pearl Jam, my favorite band 1992 Hamburg, Germany, March, okay. This tape, and this bootleg, went with me from I would say ninth grade, through my moves to after graduating Syracuse University, to Los Angeles, this bootleg accompanied me everywhere. And it gave me just a sense of comfort, because there was one live song on there that I have never heard on any other bootleg. And dear listener, if I can get this for you in the show notes, I'm going to do my level best to do so. It's called Where did she go? It's a great song to listen to running on the beach, or any time. But what I love about Delilah is she made each moment personal to whoever was listening. Remember, she'd be like, I see you, Larry. The song goes out to you. You're trucking all night long and you miss your lady. Stephanie. He misses you. He wishes he could be home. In your sweet sweet embrace. Delilah knows it. But I'm going to play you both a song. I'm going to play a little old school Shanaya for you. And as soon as he gets home, he's going to wrap you up in his arms. Remember Delilah? I realized through listening to Delilah loving WBRU that I wanted to be that old school '90s disc jockey. And now through podcasting, I get to do that. But I think it has an even greater significance for me. Because I've woken up “in medias res” divorced single parent now what? I need a guide more than ever. And I was on my way to work. I love my job. I've got a dream job working in marketing. It's a long story God provided I was listening to Soundgarden as one often does, and I have this live CD. And so I was listening to super unknown blasting it, singing it at the top of my lungs. You know the song “Alive in the Superunknown” . What could be better? Old school, Chris Cornell, one of the greatest singer songwriters male that has ever that has ever lived. Absolutely one of the greatest songwriters, one of the greatest male voices of our generation gone too soon. Rip Chris Cornell. But I was listening to him play and sing a song called fell on black days. And I think it hit me in a different way. Right? It hits different. That's what the kids say today. I've got two daughters. I know what they say. Because I was wondering if anything has really changed in my life since the '90s. I know it has. But sometimes I wonder. Maybe I wonder it's because I haven't found my person yet. Maybe it's because though I was married 10 years, I really don't feel like it was real. I feel like it was a fake news marriage. And here I am in medias res wondering, Will anything ever be real? So I'm driving down the road blasting Chris Cornell singing “Fell on Black Days” and there's a certain lyric in there that says “Searchlight soul They say/ I can't see it in the night/ I'm only faking/ when I get it Right.” And at that point, I just started bawling. Because I feel like in my life, I'm just repeating Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye. I'm trying so hard to catch that brass ring, and nothing is working in some areas of my life. Now, it's ironic that I focus on that it's a Alanis Morissette “Isn't it ironic?” because I have amazing kids. I have wonderful friends. I have my dream house. I haven't had my dream car. It's like a shiny light blue. I'm all about it. So many wonderful blessings. I went through a health scare with someone close to me and my family for about two years. I was just wondering how it was going to make it. I was white knuckling on my way to work. Just hoping okay, I don't I hope today isn't the day that I'm breaking down in the bathroom, right? I hope today I can make it through my shift so that

nobody sees the tears in my eyes right? Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it's like that, as the French say, "C'est ça qui est ça!" Sometimes it's like that. And I was coming out of this period. And I was realizing, wow, this health scare and this health crisis is lifting. And I can actually feel again. So when Chris Cornell was singing fell on black days, and I was reconnecting to that part of myself in the '90s, that had such hope for my life, and how it was today. I felt that existential sadness, you know?

I was speaking to someone recently, who has also been divorced. And the person was saying to me, I feel like I want to smash something. And I kind of laughed, and I turned to the person, I said, you want to smash something? And he said, Yeah, I feel like smashing something. We were walking by some boats at the time. And I said, What do you want to smash, just name it? And he said, Well, probably these boats right here, I could just smash all of them. And I laughed to myself. But then I turned to him. And I said, Why do you want to smash them? And he was quiet. And I said, it's the existential sadness, isn't it? Because we know on a deep level, it's not supposed to be this way. Sometimes our divorce is a rescue mission. And it's God's rescue mission. And even knowing that, we still feel the existential sadness, don't we? Because we know that even though we love our kids, that there's not that person that we have to share all the crazy and fun and amazing things that they say, we're at the PTO meeting, or their flute concert, or their basketball game, whatever it is, their play. And there's not that other person to turn to, when our kids do these crazy, amazing things. We're going on vacation, right? I love Cape Cod. I love going to the Bayside Resort  with my girls, I will always love that place. There are firepits, there's a protected wetland, there's amazing pools, they're so low key there. But I look at those happy families. And I say God, I hope that they really appreciate how lucky they are. Because that's what I've learned out here. Seven years divorced. I think I would appreciate it. If God ever blessed me with a life partner. I think I would appreciate it out here. I think I would. I don't think I would take it for granted. So as I was listening to Chris Cornell, an existential sadness was getting me . I had to take a step back and say, the '90s can bring that Wave to us, but can also bring that comfort, because the '90s are never going to change. And I allowed that song to wash over me. And the word search light stood out to me. Because I love lighthouses, hey, that's something you're gonna know about me. As we're getting to know each other. As I say, this isn't Hinge out here. But you know, you will get to know something about me. I love lighthouses. But what I love about the term search light is that a search light has even a greater purpose than just a lighthouse. And did you know that lighthouses can be repurposed, right? If you go to Dennis, on the Cape, you will see a repurposed lighthouse. And it's called The Lighthouse Inn. So this is a defunct lighthouse that was repurposed so that it was made functional again. And all I could think of was the image of a search light that felt like that search light was out of commission for so long, and then suddenly, the light was coming back into it. So I feel like even though the song was “Fell on Black Days,” and it's sad to think of Chris Cornell, even now, there was a new light that was coming back into my life. Dear listener, I was realizing my purpose. If I've been crushed, maybe there is a comeback. Maybe I can share with you some of my key learnings from my seven years out here, right? And it could encourage you. And that could be part of my search light mission. Because if I had to go through it, at least I can come back and share it with you. Right. And then you can be a searchlight, and you can share what you've learned with other people. You can be that light for others. And that's what it's all about. And that's the beauty of the '90s. All these lyrics that I have are like complex matrices in my head, they are going to come into fruition and they are going to get put to good use that lonely kid in her room. And yes, I had great friends, right? Sometimes being an introvert means you are by yourself, and you aren't lonely, but you have the company of books, right? Maybe you're like me, but I have all these lyrics. And one that sticks out to me. 

Even more now is a great lyric from “Silent All These Years” right? Right silent all these years, Tori Amos 1991-1992, ubiquitous. But I realized that for a long time, I've been saying I'm going to do a lot of things. But I haven't actually been doing them. That '90s version of myself that I saw in the future still needed to come to fruition. Am I doing the writing that I need to? Am I doing the podcasts that I need to? Am I being the kind of person that my girls can look up to? I've been trying, but some of the existential sadness is still getting to me. I've been facing setbacks lately. I've been letting them bring me down. But I've also been letting other people define me. And I've been letting myself make myself small. If you look at the album cover for Little Earthquakes, it's Tori Amos, and she's kind of crouched down. She's so cool, right? She's amazing. With that shock of red hair on that sitting on that piano, right. But in that album cover, she's crouched down inside a box, and I can't help her think that that's me. And any second, she's just ready to bust out of that box. And that's what I feel like now. Let me just do a little dramatic monologue. '90s coffeehouse reading from what I can remember of “Silent All These Years.”

“What if I'm a mermaid in these jeans of his, with her name still on it? Hey, but I don't care. Because sometimes, I said, sometimes I hear my voice. And it's been here… silent all these years.” Maybe you feel like you've been silent all these years. And the thing is, we all have a now what? Maybe your now what is different than mine. Maybe you have an incredibly happy marriage. And if so, I'm delighted for you. Maybe people are so sick of you guys and all your PDA that they throw popcorn at you at the movies. Maybe none of your friends want you around because you're so disgustingly in love. And if so, hey, I want to know how you guys met. I want to know your meet cute story so that I can believe in love, too, right? That's what we all want. I'm happy for you. But maybe you face a health crisis with your parents, right? They're not as young as they once were. Maybe you lost a parent or a friend. Maybe your child is sick. Maybe your career isn't where you thought it was going to be. And you feel like grains of sand through an hourglass, you're missing out. Maybe you can't repair something with someone that you really cared about. So maybe you're now what is different from mine. But we all have that now what? And look, I'm unapologetically Christian. So my searchlight soul is always going to look to the searchlight of who the person of Jesus Christ is. That's always what I'm going to do. That's what we do here. So that gives me the hope to then go and be a search light to other people. Because let me tell you, I didn't come through the harrowing of the hellscape in my own life, my own divorce story to be sunk now out here. And I know you didn't go through your experience to be sunk now either. So let's not call it a setback. Let's call it a bounce back more than anything. Let's call it a throwback. Because we are here your '90s are showing.

And dear listener, as always, this is Elaina  with “Your '90s are Showing” podcasts. Thanks for going down the waterslide with me. Until next time, don't forget to shine bright!