3. "Why?": The Power of Mixtapes

Remember your mixtapes and CDs in the ’90s? Elaina does a deep dive into the significance of her own mixtape journey. Playfully, she explores her ’90s identities, (like ’90s Librarian). She then focuses on Eurythmics’ songstress Annie Lennox's impact on the ’90s music scene, analyzing the song "Why?" and connecting its lyrics to personal experiences. Taking a poignant turn, Elaina shares coping mechanisms during challenging times. There's power in a shift from asking "Why?" to seeking "What's next?" 

Thank you for listening, and don’t forget to shine bright!

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About the host: Elaina Satti is a lover of the '90s living in Rhode Island, USA, the smallest state with the biggest heart, and she is in fact a divorced single parent living her best "now what?" exploring the journey of "what's next" – with coffee.

Transcript

Hi, this is Elaina with “Your '90s Are Showing.” Do you remember the mix tapes that you made? Maybe you burned CDs in the '90s. We all did. It was what we did. It was how we listened to the music, whether it was recording tapes from the radio, you know, when your favorite song came on, recently, my younger daughter made me so happy ’90s style when, you know her teacher was saying, hey, over the summer, coming back for the new school year, what makes you happiest? And kids answered things like, Oh, when I play video games, when I'm with my friends when I'm with my family. And my younger daughter wrote on this little post-it that she wrote, When I hear my favorite song on the radio, like what's more '90s than that?you know, we waited for our favorite song on the radio. We waited for the DJ to dedicate us a song. And then when we moved into CDs it was on because we were making mixtape compilations extraordinaire, we were the DJ of our own lives. And I'm remembering this mixtape that I made for myself. Oh man, was it ’92 to ’93? Yeah, summer of ’92. If I can remember all of the songs that were on there, I am going to tell you, but one song that I remember right after the song “Breath” by Pearl Jam, which is also on the Singles soundtrack. I've already gone into Singles and how much I love it and how much I'm obsessed with Pearl Jam. Or I was at one time. We've already covered that well trod ground. What was the mixtape for you? Was it a mix CD? Where did you play it? Was it in the car? Did you play it on a disc man when you were trying to run? Did you play it on a Walkman running on the beach? Did you play it with your friends? Did you jam out to it at a house party? And if you did, side note, I want to know all about it. I didn't go to any house parties when I was in the '90s. Listen, I don't know, I think I was maybe cool in my own way. But who are we kidding? Probably not since I'm a lot like Angela Chase from My So-Called Life, definitely '90s librarian and a little Rory Gilmore mixed in with some Alanis Morissette? I don't know how to mix that all together, you know put that into the blender. And what do we come out with? I don't know if that makes me cool at all. I have no idea. Probably not. But I don't know if this counts. But when I went to Choate Rosemary Hall's writing program, I met this really amazing girl named Beatrice and we called her Baya and she and her boyfriend took us into New York City. And I was there with one of my other friends and I saw people dancing in cages and I wore a choker and a black baby doll dress, and a yellow cardigan, which were in style. And I was looking around thinking, Hey, can I bring a book out of my little purse and just start reading because this is not my vibe? I digress. You have your '90s I have mine. You show me your '90s I'll show you mine. Don't get any ideas. This is a family adjacent show. What I'm saying is I know my little pocket of the '90s and you know yours. You know the mixtape or CD that you're talking about? You know if you've listened to this, that I've also had the Welcome to the road CD mix, but now I'm going back in time to yet another mixtape, and one song on here is Annie Lennox's “Why?” I put it on rotation, recording it from WBRU. After songs like “Breath,” like I said, so many amazing songs were on there. I had some Indigo Girls, by the way, just listened to Indigo Girls. Once again I was in Block Island with a group of friends and I was at a bar having a baby Guinness shot, first shot that I ever had in my entire life and I’m this many years old. And I heard the Indigo Girls song “Galileo,” and in my head I was singing along to every single lyric because that's what happens. When you're back to the ’90s, suddenly you haven't heard the song in maybe at least 15 to 20 years and the words come back to you. Like you have never been apart from the song like you've been listening to it every single day. So I decided to go down a waterslide and listen to Rites of Passage by Indigo Girls that very night, and I could sing almost every lyric to all the songs. Amazing album. “Galileo,” “In Love with your Ghost,” “Joking,” “Three Hits.” Oh my gosh. “Romeo and Juliet.” Man that is such a romantic song. I think it's a cover song. Anyway, we'll get into that more later.

Your '90s Are Showing dramatic coffeehouse reading of lyrics wouldn't be complete without Annie Lennox because yes, she was in the band Eurythmics, she was that cool? No doubt, she went to every house party and created some parties of her own wherever she went. Unlike me, she was that cool. But if you remember that album, from Annie Lennox in the early '90s, you remember her video for “Walking on Broken Glass,” and she's dressed up in some garb that looks like she just walked out of Dangerous Liaisons, you know, with a wig, and kind of Elizabethan style dress. And she's got the white powder on her face. And then she's taking off her wig, and she's looking at the camera. She's looking in the mirror at the camera, and you can hear the raw emotion in her voice, and I'm running to this, right because I'm also trying to condition myself for the tennis team. I'm in my favorite place in the world. The waves are crashing into Seabrook Beach. I'm doing my favorite thing in my favorite place. And I'm relating to these lyrics. Because on the quantum part of me always knew that my life was going to be this way. I always knew that I was going to be singing my version of why, and why that is, I don't know. Now, believe me, this word why has resonated and reverberated in my brain in many different ways. After breakups, I've learned sometimes not even to ask the question why? Sometimes asking the question why doesn't have any good answer. Why did this happen to you? Why did this happen to me? Why do I feel this way? Why did she react like that? Why did he go? Why did she leave me? There's so many whys in the '90s, asking why was kinda like, different, right? We were a lot younger, so our lives were a little bit different. Why doesn't he want to go out with me? Why doesn't that outfit go together? Why can't my curfew be until midnight? No, why do I have to turn down my music? Why do I have to get new batteries from my Walkman? Why is there a scratch in my CD? Right? We were asking different questions. Why do I have to do my homework? Why do I have to go to this class? Why do I have to learn this? Why can't I just stay with my best friend forever and ever? So Annie Lennox's “Why?” without any further ado, see I do deliver on my promises. The song “Why?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I'm sorry for the things I've done./

But when I start to try to tell you, that's when you have to tell me hey, this kind of trouble has only just begun.

I tell myself too many times, why can't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut? That's why it hurts so bad/ To hear these words that keep on falling from your mouth, falling from your mouth. Why? Tell me why…Let's go down to the water's edge. We can cast away these doubts. So many things still left unsaid and they still turn me inside out. These are the words I've never said. These are the books I've never read.

These are the thoughts I've never said. These are the dreams I'll dream instead. Here are the years that we've spent. And this is what we represent. This is how I feel. Do you know how I feel? I don't think you know.”

And then she repeats the chorus why? 

Maybe some of us are left with a why. Why can't things be like they were in the '90s? Why am I the adult now? Why am I the one making the decision where sometimes I don't even know what that decision should be and why I'm in charge? Why am I now in the parents’ seat? Right when I just woke up in Medias Res, and I used to be the teenager in the one coming of age, and now I'm explaining things to my own kids, or I'm wrestling with my own career or my own future or taking care of my own children. And I'm not sure what to do. And people are asking me why. And I sometimes don't have a good answer. And I want to share with you something that I touched on in previous podcasts. But when I was in the very early stages of realizing what in the world is happening, going towards my divorce. At that time, I had been married for about nine years. And I kept asking myself why. And those lyrics were rattling around in my brain, the same beautiful ocean side view that I had when I was running to Annie Lennox became sort of like a nightmare escape. And I was asking myself, “why, how many times do I have to try to tell you that I'm sorry for the things I've done. But when I start to try to tell you, that's when you tell me hey, this kind of trouble’s only just begun.” Maybe Annie knew a lot more than she was letting on about my life, and maybe your life. Just because every day, divorce is better than any day married for me doesn't take away from the fact that it was a hellscape. And this period of time was no exception. And what I want to say about that is what I did to try to comfort myself or make sense of what was going on such a hard time having two very young kids a three year old at that time and an almost one year old, is I played a little game with myself and maybe you know this game too. I judged myself on these little things going right. These little things in my life. If I was able to revise a certain paragraph, I was doing okay, if a friend emailed me back, I was doing okay, if I got the girls down to bed at a good time I was doing okay. If this certain conversation went well, with my parents, I was doing okay. But it became more and more obsessive. If I could get this particular stain out from one of my girls spilling punch or playdough being grounded into my jeans, or spit up or whatever it was I was doing well.

If I could think of the perfect thing to say if I could get groceries under a certain amount paying in cash because the credit cards were maxed out and I was afraid of how we were going to pay the bills. I was doing okay.

If I felt like this certain group of people at church were receptive to me, I was doing okay, but what about the reverse? If I felt like somehow they weren't responding to what I had to say in a positive manner. I was starting to get paranoid. Now that's a little vulnerable to say. If I felt like my jeans weren't fitting in the right way. If I felt like the girls were extra fussy. If I felt like a friend wasn't returning my call, all I had were these little things going right. And I judged myself accordingly. Even though I knew at the time, that's not how God sees me. It's all I had to cling to, to make sense of the why of everything falling apart. 

There was one time we were driving to get Christmas photos taken at JCPenney. You know how that goes. The whole family is dressed up and everyone is miserable. It had gone so well before in Los Angeles but moving to Massachusetts, everything seemed to be falling apart. And at that time, my husband at the time, we got lost going to the JC Penney somewhere around Attleboro, we took a wrong turn. Now if that happens to me in my life now, I really don't care. But then everything had this extra weight in this gravitas and I was angry. I was angry because we were late for the appointment. My younger daughter was fussy, my sweater was itchy and I knew deep down that even these photos coming out perfectly was not going to salvage this marriage and was not going to make me okay. I was not Okay, and I looked at these little things to say, I'm okay, the girls are okay. My marriage is okay. My family is okay. My life is okay. But guess what? When the bottom fell out, I learned the truth. And I was divorced. Something happened, I began to see that those little things going right was no way to judge me. And those little things or big things going wrong was no way to judge myself either. In fact, God doesn't love us, I realize, any more when these things are going wrong. And when they're going right, it doesn't mean that he loves us any more. It doesn't. Those little things going right that I clung to, made me irritable. They made me upset. They made me quick tempered, and they made me despair, quite honestly. And after I decided, I am going for this divorce. I'm filing, it was going forward the divorce process. I had a time where it was right before Thanksgiving, and I couldn't find my keys. That meant I couldn't drive to my parents. I couldn't take the girls to go to Thanksgiving. I had just come in the midst of the stressful time and I couldn't find my keys. So I asked my dad to come and help me find them. Because I wasn't driving anywhere without my keys. I tore the house apart. I was frantic. He came. It was a snowstorm. We looked everywhere. And I remember just taking a step back, drinking some water, putting my hand on my head and going What am I going to do? And I reached my hand inside my pocket and I felt something. No, I didn't feel anything inside my pocket. It was two pockets deep because I had a coat on with a hoodie on with a pocket like one of those your sweatshirts and it was gray too. So I called myself Eyore when I was wearing it. And then there was another sweatshirt with a pocket beneath that. And that's where my keys were. And once I pulled out my keys, I started to laugh. And then I started laughing hysterically. And I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. And my dad started laughing too. And I thanked him and he drove safely home. And I was able to go to Thanksgiving. But I remember that moment. Because when the worst thing happens, and you're still standing, you realize that those little moments going right don't mean anything at all. And the bottom dropping out gave me some new clarity. Asking why maybe wasn't the question. Maybe the next question was asking what next? What am I going to do in the face of what next? And maybe that's what you're asking yourself. Divorced single parent, now what? Now what? Maybe you were given a dose of “Why,” Annie Lennox style. And you're standing in front of your mirror and your makeup is running, and you're taking off this ridiculous wig. And this dress that's you know, giving you more cleavage than you ever dreamed possible. Maybe you're standing there in front of the mirror in this ridiculous suit, Elizabethan style, dressed up like John Malkovich in Dangerous Liaisons. And you're saying, What do I do with this? Why? And maybe the question now is who do we give this to? Why and to whom do we give this, what now in order to find the next step? The little things going right. Let me tell you whether they go right or go wrong. You're still standing. You're still here. You found your keys. You're gonna be able to drive to Thanksgiving. You're safe. You can sing a new song: Do you know how I feel? This is how I feel.

You have someone who cares how you feel. You have someone who understands and cares about the why even if you don't and more than that, who understands and will help you and strengthen you through the next step when you're walking towards now what and what's next. For me that was landing on my feet that was providing for my daughter's with part time work. Now full time work. Having a condo for them that I rented, buying a house, developing them a community of friends going to Divorce Care which I highly recommend, I did it twice. It was a course to help people through the pain of divorce and I found a true community. It's reading books, it's journaling, it's spending time out in nature. It's finding those friends that love you and won't let go. So that you can be the best version of yourself that you can be. You may have been dealt a “Why?” Annie Lennox’s gorgeous voice will usher you into some of the pain of that time. But it also brings a beautiful release and I picture myself when I just went back to Seabrook Beach, listening to that song. Listening to Lennox's “Why,” listening to the open opening refrain, which had so much pain and vulnerability to it. And I'm just not in that same place anymore. In fact, I had one of the best trips to Seabrook beach that I could ever imagine. It was more magical than I could have ever dreamed in the '90s. And sometimes God redeems. He redeems what's in the '90s. And he redeems today, we've just begun to scratch the surface of how God redeems what's in the '90s, or how he redeems the pain of our past. And it's not a straight shot. And it's sometimes messy. In fact, let's be honest, it's really messy. And for the record, I have apologized for being so upset with my now ex for getting lost, because I realized I just don't care anymore. Now when things go wrong, little things, big things. I just laugh. Not always. But most of the time I'm laughing if things happen with my kids, if things happen if I'm late, if I'm I just have a completely different perspective. Because I know those little things going right, don't define me and they don't define you. There's a bigger narrative, there's a greater narrative, there's a greater story. It's for God's purpose. He's the one working in us for His glory. And if little things go wrong, I want you to stop and look at what God is doing. You can ask him, God, I've been smacked in the face with the why. But maybe I don't really know why. Show me what you have next. Show me what you're up to right now. So that I can appreciate what's going on. So thank you, Annie Lennox for ushering that into us. And I feel like you know, with a friend at Disneyland, we forgot where we parked and she parked and I don't think she had one of those beepers. You know, those little key sensor things that we could find the car with. So I didn't care. We were walking around for a good half hour not being able to find her car in the parking lot of Disneyland. We didn't have anywhere to be or go, why would I have ever gotten frustrated? Because I was with my good friend. And I feel like I would love to be in that calm and peaceful state. That as long as God is there, it's going to be okay. And I wonder if that's why, in Proverbs 31, there's a proverbs 31 woman described, and it says she's clothed  with strength, and dignity, right? Let me say that right? She is clothed. She's wearing clothing of strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come. And I wonder if that deep knowledge that God is her strength, can give her the ability that no matter what, if things are going poorly, if things are going well, she has that deep contentment. And that's what I want. And that's what I want for you. The only way that we can laugh when these crazy things are happening, when little things and big things go right or go wrong, is to realize we don't have to judge ourselves for them. And we can ask for that peace and contentment. Annie Lennox might bring us to why? But God is the one who brings us to what now? And what's next? And I encourage you, you're going to find the answers to those questions for yourself. And it's going to be joyful. And I can't wait for you to share them with me too. You're there at the beach. You're at Seabrook. You're looking at the distance at the horizon. The '90s are redeemed. It's getting good. Don't miss it. 

This has been Elaina with “Your '90s Are Showing’ podcast. As always, thanks for going down the waterslide with me. Until next time, don't forget to shine bright.