9. Graduation: "My So-Called Life" and Tonic’s “If You Could Only See”

Remember your high school graduation? We reflect on the excitement and transition you felt during that milestone. Elaina shares her own graduation experience and the festivities that followed. Interwoven with discussions of ’90s music and TV shows like the iconic "My So-Called Life," the band “Tonic” and the coffee-house guitar rock of “If You Could Only See” (a song more relevant than ever), she explores themes of identity, acceptance, and unrequited love. Through anecdotes and reflections, she talks about self-acceptance and finding your unique path, regardless of societal expectations or labels. Ultimately, dear listener, with a healthy dose of self-deprecation, let’s embrace our true selves, just like Tonic’s blue-eyed girl in the ’90s.

Thank you for listening, and don't forget to shine bright!

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About the host: Elaina Satti is a lover of the '90s living in Rhode Island, USA, the smallest state with the biggest heart, and she is in fact a divorced single parent living her best "now what?" exploring the journey of "what's next" – with coffee.

Transcript

Welcome to “Your '90s Are Showing,” listen, I'm feeling the nostalgia you're feeling the love. It's vibing. Right? The vibe is vibing. That's the little Gen Z ism that I'm throwing at you even though it's '90s. We're feeling love because we're talking about graduations. What do you remember about your graduation from high school? Let me tell you, I'm sure you remember a lot more than you think you did. If you put yourself back in that moment, it's exciting. It was a rite of passage. I want to know about it. Did anybody surf like they did in the movies? Was anyone throwing beach balls around? Do you remember who the valedictorian was? Do you remember anything your principal said? Any of the awards? Was it outdoors? Indoors? Did you get a sunburn? Did you take pictures with your parents after? Did you get together with your friends? Did you do things you don't want to tell me about? That's it. I know that, don't worry about it. Your secret's safe with me. Graduation day from high school. 

Mine was in 1996. It was at the musical tent that no longer exists. It was a beautiful venue. I had these black strappy shoes and a red dress underneath. I took so many pictures with my friends. I think my relatives came too, we had a graduation party afterwards. And then I think I went to a series of different graduation parties at different friends' houses, if I remember correctly, it was a huge milestone, remembering that this was the moment that I wasn't going to be there again. And I made it through all those years. Looking at the same walls, looking at the same clocks, and 1996 was another year, a banner year for music. And one of the reasons why was the band Tonic. Remember their debut studio album, Lemon Parade from 1996. It was released as a third and final signal single from the album on March 18, 1997. Of course, I'm talking about the song, “If You Could Only See.” Listen, this song is a complete classic. There are Rhode Island artists like Kevin Herchen who are playing this song, ’90s style acoustic as God intended. And I love it every single time; I'm here for it. The reason why is because there's a little lyric in it that really makes me think, because I'll get to it in a second. Listen, graduation is a huge deal. Those of us who are divorced single parent now what?, we might be gearing up for our own kids’ graduations at some point, or we already celebrated them. But if you remember the euphoria, you remember the '90s. You remember being in your cap and gown, you remember thinking, hey, I'm out of here, I never have to look back at this high school again. And then maybe a little bit of abject terror besets you that you tried to push away this existential question of, “Wait a minute, I knew what that was like, I had to sit with the same teachers, I got to sit with my friends, I either paid attention or I didn't. I knew what was expected of me. And now I'm going forward into the unknown.” Whether you were going to college, whether you're taking a gap year, whether you were going into the workforce, whether you're going into the military, whether you're doing something totally different than any of those things. Maybe you're going to a trade school, maybe you were going abroad, who knows what you were doing, but it was going to be different than what you were doing before. 

And isn't that the way, as soon as we feel like we get our feet under us? You know, you’re seniors ruling the school. You're completely humiliating the younger generations that you see that you didn't remember are so short. You go to prom. That's a whole other thing we're going to talk about at some point we got to unpack '90s Prom. You have your friendships, you have your breakups, you have your makeups, you know the landscape, and then all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under you and you have to pivot and you're finding out what's next. 

There's one thing you have to know about me in this dating show podcast relationship we have. I am self deprecating out here. And if we're going to talk about Tonic and the song “If You Could Only See,” we're gonna have to know some of the lyrics and we're gonna have to know why they were significant to me and why I love them so much. Listen, I didn't exactly fit the mold in high school. I'm like a '90s Aeowyn slash Shanaya Twain quality but also with some Alanis Morissette, because I have a strong sense of irony and I also have a little bit of Natalie Merchant in me, you know that kind of that intensity. I was a writer, kind of in with the smart crowd, but I was kind of quiet, but I was also creative. I was in a literary magazine, I was on mock trial team. I was an unflappable witness. I really wasn't all of the other people on the team because they were so good at what they did. The lawyers were incredible. They were all my friends. 

But there was one thing that I felt was interesting because at all the dances, Van Morrison's “Brown Eyed Girl” would play and it was almost like this, dare I say this like MK Ultra conditioning, right? It was all about the brown eyed girl and her brunette hair. And I almost feel like I didn't fit any kind of mold. Because, you know, I was blond and blue eyed. And because we were in a state that was more Italian, I think I was a little bit more Neapolitan Italian, I was Armenian and Polish. So all that together, gave me a different kind of ethnic look than maybe some of the kids around me that had more Italian  in them. The brunette brown eyes. There was also a lot of Irish around me, so I had a different look. And it just so happens and I say this with complete self deprecation and acceptance. I didn't exactly fit them all because I wasn't a brunette. Brown Eyed girl. I think there's even a U2 song that says, “This blue eyed boy and this brown eyed girl.” It's called “The Sweetest Thing.” So this is kind of conditioned. All my friends were incredible. Accomplished. But mostly brown eyed brunettes, and there was me, I was just a little different. Always a little different. That's my specialness. As I say I have limited W Rizz, maybe it's my tan that can glow in the dark because I'm double Mediterranean. Maybe it's my figurative language. Maybe it's that I don't know, I can turn an Italian phrase. Maybe it's my sense of irony. 

Back to the story. I felt like I didn't exactly fit in but with Tonic, I did fit in. 

“If You Could Only See the way she loves me. /Maybe you would understand, why I feel this way about our love and what I must do. If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says, when she says she loves me.” Cue intense jangling guitars. This was one of my premiere ‘90s songs because for once I was being seen as the blue eyed girl that I was. I was making the cut. Tonic, you saw me, you were there for it. I may not have fit in with a mold. Maybe some of the boys that I admired or the ones that made me laugh, they gravitated towards the brown eyed brunettes. Always. Again, I say that with complete self deprecation. I realized what box I am in, a Bengal spice flavor of tea. I am not for everyone out here, okay. And in high school, it was no different. But I realized listening to Tonic, it doesn't take everyone to like your flavor of tea. My friends enjoyed it. I had an amazing family. But how you are is how you are, right? 

There's this incredible line from my favorite '90s comfort TV show which was only produced for one season. Created by Winnie Holzman and produced by Edward Zwick and Marshall Herskovitz, it was an instant classic. “My So-Called Life.” Claire Danes rocked the house as Angela Chase. She was in love with Jordan Catalano, played by Jared Leto. And she has this line where she confronts him at one point. He's a guitar player, he has a band, he's, you know, he's not really into school. He's just much cooler, much more laid back than she is. And there's this line that she says to him, she says, “Why are you like that? Like how you are?” Because he's frustrating her at the moment.

And I think we're all like how we are, we are all just a little bit of a different flavor. And I remember reading a middle grade novel. I love young adult and middle grade novels. But I remember in the '90s I was reading this really well-written middle grade novel called The Bingo Brown series. I definitely want to find it again. But I did think it was ironic because Bingo Brown, he was describing how this blonde was almost chasing him. And he has these musings because he's in love with this one girl, even as a middle schooler, and he's like, you know, there's something about a Blue Eyed Blonde that really makes you yearn for petite, brown eyed brunettes. I understand, Bingo, I understand your pain. I'm just on the other side of that. Thank you so much. Thanks. Thanks for that. The irony, in fact, the double irony, but when I think about “My So-Called Life", I think about that series as coming of age. I came of age in the '90s. Maybe you did too. What was your '90s Comfort show? For me, it was “My So-Called Life” because every episode of that blew every other show away. The writing was so deep and so spot on and I watched it recently almost in tears identifying with every single character because now I identify and I understand the struggles that Angela's mother went through, her father went through, her best friend Rayanne went through. 

“My So-Called Life” aired on ABC from August 25, 1994, to January 26, 1995. It was distributed by the Bedford Falls company. Angela Chase was played by Claire Danes, and it follows the emotional travails of several teenagers in their social circle. Jared Leto, however you want to say his last name, I think he's in the band 30 Seconds to Mars, was a mercurial character, Jordan Catalano, and Angela was drawn magnetically to him. 

And I remember there's one scene where she goes to a party, and he has been playing in a band. And he's been playing this song called “I Call Her Red.” Angela had dyed her hair red, just a couple months before. So Angela is hearing the song and she is just aglow with her best friend Rayanne because she thinks that that song is about her. '90s problems. '90s dreams, right? She finds a way to go up to him awkwardly, of course, and talks to Jordan after the show. And she says something like, I really love that song. And she's shy, and it's awkward. And she thinks it's about her. And all the things that she's feeling just bubble up to the surface. And he says, “Yeah, I like that song too. It's about my car.” What could be more '90s than that? What is more of a '90s plot point? I don't think I’m giving anything away for those of you who are fans. 

But if you remember the '90s field trips, you're going on the bus and you're just so glad to escape the concrete cinderblocks of wherever you are going to high school. Maybe you're going to a museum or some kind of concert. One time we even went to Rocky Point which was an amusement park before they tore it down. That said, getting out of the school environment always made me a little bit giddy. And I think it did for Angela, too. She went to an art museum and she was with her best friend Rayanne. And she was explaining to Rayanne that she wrote this heartfelt letter to Jordan, pouring out all her feelings to him. If you guys remember this episode, it's epic. And she gives it to Rayanne, who says, Can I read it? She says yes, but you can't lose it. I'm not gonna lose it. Now Rayanne was a little bit of a wild child and ended up making out with a security guard. And we see these flashes of students going by looking at the artwork. Angela's looking at the artwork wondering what Rayanne is going to think about this letter that she wants to give to Jordan, but she's not sure if she should. Jordan is walking around. I think he escapes for a smoke or something. He tries to leave the premises because that is quintessential Jordan Catalano. Oh, he's kind of a bad boy. There's also Brian Krakow. Brian was the brain who was in love with Angela. Angela is slightly annoyed by him. But Angela's in love with the bad boy Jordan and as the episode goes on, Rayanne goes up to Angela and says, “You can't get mad at me. But I lost the letter.” And Angela is, as one could imagine, absolutely distraught and mortified. What do you mean? You lost the letter? I gave it to you. He's gonna find it. He's gonna read it. '90s plot point problems, right? It's a whole thing. It's a vibe, it's a lifestyle. She finds out that Jordan finds the letter. There's a confrontation between the two of them. And what transpires is that she realizes that Jordan can't read. He found the letter, but he didn't read it. So she's confronting him and saying, “What do you mean, you found the letter? Didn't you read it – it had your name on it?” Well, he can't read. Throughout the series, we learned so much about Mother Daughter relationships, how sometimes they switch and the mother becomes the daughter and the daughter feels responsible for the mother. Husband and wife relationships are tested and strained to the limits. Adult parents need to be cared for. Parents make mistakes and have to apologize to their kids. Angela’s coming of age journey sees her mother in a new way. And they have a new bond. And even best friendships fall apart. Every single episode of this is A plus compared to this or they pale in comparison. 

One interesting thing and I think it's a cycle of life is that there's this adorable girl Delia that has such a crush on Brian Krakow. Brian Krakow is so obsessed with Angela and just shows up every single day to her door, wanting to talk to Angela. And basically every time he shows up to the door, someone opens the door. It's like, Oh, it's Brian. Angela, when she sees his face, is hoping that it’s Jordan. No. And everyone is hoping it’s someone else but it's Brian Krakow. There he is. At the end of the series, Jordan is basically now dating Angela for better or worse. They're dating. It's a scam. It's a date, whatever. And he wants to express his feelings. But he's new to the whole writing because he couldn't read before. So he asks Brian for help. So Brian is the one Cyrano de Bergerac style, who comes up with the letter. And wouldn't you know Jordan passes off that letter to Angela. She is a puddle. She loves these letters. They're everything that she ever wanted Jordan to express to her. The only problem is, it wasn't written by him. High school problems. Sometimes they come back to haunt. Have you ever wondered watching the show, those of you who love it, if you could find Brian Krakow and Jordan Catalano as one person, like the writing and the intelligence of the Brian Krakow, with the dreaminess and the otherworldly quality of Jordan? But guess what? That doesn't happen. We are all who we are. We can't combine people and squish them together. Sometimes it's about unearthing the person that we really are, and taking off the labels, taking off all the junk and all the crap and all the lies and all the slurs and all the slander and all the bullying and all the names that we've been called to figure out who we really are. It's not combining people together. Maybe it's subtracting what was never supposed to be there in the first place. 

In the last scene of the last episode, it begins to dawn on Angela that Jordan never wrote these letters. In fact, it was Brian because they are the true equals here. They are the ones that can match wit for wit. They are the ones that have A plus banter. As annoying as that is to Angela. Brian Krakow can hold his own with her. And Jordan can’t. He's the one with a passed-off letter, not the dreamy eyes. Brian is probably going to run Google someday.

It's unrequited. It's sad. It's the '90s. It's a vibe. It's a lifestyle. And maybe we've been through that before. Maybe you have, maybe I have, maybe you're still going through it. But the thing that I love about art and really wonderful television (and I studied television and film at Syracuse) is that those episodes and the music from the '90s have the ability to transport us to another place and to give us a mirror into what's going on in our own souls. I've been Angela. And I think you have, too. Angela is betrayed by her best friend Rayanne, Rayanne tries desperately to get back to what they were before, but sometimes it doesn't happen. But then they both remember the times where they were laughing uncontrollably together, and that they both know a piece of each other that no one else does. Brian wishes he could be Jordan Catalano. Just as much as Jordan wishes he could be Brian. And both of them wish that they could be that thing that Angela wants. And Angela, maybe she doesn't know who she is or what she wants. Maybe she’s split down the middle, because she loves the brain of Brian. And she loves the body of Jordan. And there's no getting them both together. Maybe she has to figure out who she is. Maybe she doesn't want any of them. And as she drives away with Jordan, she looks back in the rearview mirror at Brian. It's a poignant scene. And it reminds me, sometimes we're looking at a previous version of ourselves. Sometimes it's us in the rearview mirror that we're looking at. And we're wondering, do we choose this path or another path? I like to refer to it as reverse FOMO. Okay, I've had it, it's a problem. But once you make a decision, you wonder if you should have made another one. You wonder if you should have gotten in the car with Jordan, or if you should have gone to talk to Brian. If you should have taken this position, if you should have said that thing to that person, if you should have made this plan. 

But the one thing that I come back to about the song from the band Tonic is that the band knows what's up. The music of the '90s can give you that sense that you're seen, and you can be seen by God, because He made you. Maybe it doesn't really matter who sees us or who doesn't. Or if it does matter, that diminishes that importance a little bit. Maybe if we see ourselves and we know that we're seen by an almighty God, that can be enough. No matter where the letters are coming from, a Jordan or Brian, whether there are no letters at all. Maybe it's all about who we are, and figuring out what makes us special. Whatever color eyes we have, whatever we look like, whatever's going on inside, whatever hell we're facing. Whether we're divorced, single parent or not, whether we had a great graduation day, or whether it was crunchy, or whether we don't remember it at all. I mean, some of you, you're pushing the boundaries of having all your gray matter. There was a lot of partying in the '90s. I myself have never been drunk, so I can't attest to it. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone. I just don't like feeling like I have the stomach flu. There's a lot of sobriety shaming out there. By the way, let me just tell you I think I'm fine with that. I think I'm okay. I'm not about to start getting drunk now. I'm divorced single parent, now what? But that graduation day can be that touch point that at this point, nothing was the same again; you were on the other side of graduation. And maybe we can be on the other side of whatever thing we think we are or we're not or whatever labels people try to put on us, including divorced, including discarded, including not wanted, including cast aside, including fired, sick, mentally ill, broke. Forgotten. Let's see what else the enemy can throw at us. Can we get on the other side of those things? 

Maybe we can look in the rearview mirror at ourselves. And see we've been uncovering that real person the whole time. It's not as much about which path that we're going to choose. It's that we as a whole person are going to go down it. 

Dear listener as always, thanks for going down the waterslide with me. This has been Elaina with “Your '90s are Showing.” Until next time, don't forget to shine bright! Don't forget to listen to Tonic. It's all about the Blue Eyed Girls.